and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
