; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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