how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
