Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
