grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He shit in the fireplace
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
