He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
