im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
