sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
