Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
