i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I am one with the molecules
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
