She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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