i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
