Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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