It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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