That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
