My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
