Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
