i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
