Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
