mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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