I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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