i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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