I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
