I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
