But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize