Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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