Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
