She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
