One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
