dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm always down for nudity.
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