how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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