I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
