She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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