Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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