next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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