I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
