He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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