My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
