When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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