ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
