How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
two words: eviction party
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
