my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
