I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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