Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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