if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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