I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Floor bacon is actually really good
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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