Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
