Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
