I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize