GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
