So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
