I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
