Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
