Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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