you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Randomize
