2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
